MY LIFE©

Chapter 30 – The Years with the “Mouse” (Part 1 of 2)

A few months after the buying and selling of Nokias …yes, yes, and re-selling the same bloody Nokias!...  in fact during the time I was fighting for a refund of VAT, Mouse called me rather urgently.

"Gazoo, I need a favour,"

"Yes...?"

" Can you come by my office?  I am moving out and in a bit of a hurry and my wife has not come back with the car yet."

"OK .... see you in 20 minutes"

"Eeerrr ... Can you make it 5?"
Something was up ….. so I drove to his office in La Linea.
Mouse was waiting outside with about 10 or 12 box files next to him. He appeared rather nervous and kept looking over his shoulder all the time. He was leaving those premises and moving to new offices in Puerto de la Duquesa. We stuffed the box files into the boot of my and drove off together. Along the way he explained that he was doing very good import/export business and had partnered with several other ….  “entrepreneurs”… in other EU countries. I did not ask much and when we arrived at Duquesa I helped him move the box files into his new office. As luck would have it one of the boxes fell open and several bundles of 100€ notes were all over the ground. We quickly put them back in in and I wanted to be off as soon as possible.

"No, Gazoo ... Don't run off let's have a drink."

"Mouse, what was in the other boxes?"

"Same as in the one that fell..."

"Mouse, I want no part of this, my friend...."

"No ,no ,no .... It's not what you think it is!"

There was no point in pussyfooting around the subject so I asked him point-blank.

"Are you pushing drugs now?"

"NO! ... NEVER !” He was really angry at the question!
"Two things I will never do, Gazoo, drugs or guns!"

"Mouse, that is too much money you've got them those files...."

"Gazoo, you are not the only one I have been buying and selling Nokias with. Most of the others prefer to deal in cash and that is what I have in the boxes."

"What's wrong with banks?" I asked.

"I don't trust banks and banks report things to Hacienda"

I understood that.

"Gazoo, you are doing Real Estate now. I want to buy properties but only if I can pay in cash .... can you help me?"

This is where I started sailing a bit too close to the wind.

"Let me see what I can do" I replied, cautiously.
 
In Spanish there is a saying "El dinero no tiene dueño" (Cash has no owner)
I was hardly going to ask Mouse for any Compliance Certificate, also I preferred not to know details of his business. So, I went back to my lawyer and he advised me not to get involved in the actual transactions.

"If you put the Buyer and the Seller in contact with each other, and they come to an agreement, on their own private terms, and the Seller gives you a commission for finding the Buyer, then you are just acting as a Punto de Contacto, a contact point, and are not actually involved in the transaction itself."
Then, with a wink: “Seguro tu tienes que declarar. . . ha ha ha”
(You have to make your own Tax Declarations)
I well knew that & in Spain I was not going to take any chances.

Mind you, as an aside, since we are talking among friends here, when I first started working TEO in Spain, a lady Rep came to sell me some leather belts. She was Italian and she and her husband had started a small leather factory in Estepona. Carla, for such was her name, had moulded herself to be a spitting image of the Italian singer Raffaella Carra, who you will recall did not have a wooden leg (?). Neither did Carla I hasten to assure you.
 Carla had a very persuasive manner with her …and her husband turned a blind eye as long as the orders for leather belts came coming in … but I digress …

“Davide, quieres entrega por avion?”
(David … with an “e” Italian.. do you want delivery by air?)
By air? From Estepona to La Linea?
“No, Carla” I laughed, thinking it was her idea of a joke, “send it by donkey”
She looked at me ….. I looked at her … neither of us was laughing
“Davide, Davide …..si lo quieres …POR AVION?”
(David, Davivd …do you want it by AIR?)
I know I can be a bit distracted, especially after a 3 hour buying session with a Raffaella look-alike … but I am not stupid … or am I?
(No reply required, dear reader)
“Carla ….how are you going to send it by air from Estepona… Non ti capisco”
“Davide, Davide…” (Don’t you just love that Italian accent?) … “Dillo al contrario”  (Say it backwards)
HHmmm …  AVION …. Ahhhh YES! YES! … the Lire finally dropped!
A V I O N ….backwards ….. NO   I V A ! ! !
Did I want the belts fully invoiced with IVA (VAT) added …. or…..
That is when I learnt Spanish Accounting. It turned out that in many more businesses than one can imagine, there are two sets of books. One, the kosher set …and another, where goods are sent with just a packing list, no invoice, and paid on delivery, in cash, with no IVA/VAT shown.
Sometimes I get too distracted to think straight!

Back to my conversation about the Mouse with my lawyer …as I was telling you…

I realised we (the lawyer & I) were splitting legal hairs with that advice, but that's what lawyers are for.

Over the next few months, I put Mouse in contact with some possible sellers. Mouse bought several properties direct from owners, in this area of the Costa de Sol. I was paid my commission, sometimes in cash, other times with a Mercedes car, and that was that ..... or so I thought!

One day I got a call from Mouse telling me he had five top-notch luxury flats in Marbella he needed to sell “immediately”. I had not sold him these, so I went to see them with an associate of mine, Juan, who had previously helped me find contacts. Juan and I estimated that we could sell the 5 flats easily and get a total of 2 million euros, if given the time to sell one by one.

"No, Gazoo ... I want to sell them all in one go. I will accept 1 million Euros but it has to be done quickly. Your commission to be added to that."

Juan and I tried to convince him to let us sell one at a time, but he was obviously desperate for the money. Juan was in his early 70s at the time, a sprightly septuagenarian with a mischievous sense of humour. He and I got on well and still do. We asked for a copy of the Escrituras, the title deeds, to make sure everything was above board. It did appear so, and the owner of record was one I later met and knew as "Billy" a Frenchman from Marseilles, and he would come down to Sabinillas to sign all transactions.

Juan found a rather "Arthur Daley" type, smooth talking young businessman from Madrid, fully equipped with branded Armani suit, gold cuff-links & matching Rolex, Porsche sunglasses to match his silver Porsche car and oil-slicked longish hair. We arranged the viewing for two or three days hence, following his meeting with a "a friendly bank manager” in a Sabinillas branch of a reputable (?) Spanish Bank.
Señor Porsche did not have the funds …. but this was in pre-financial crisis Spain. Promising a bonus to the bank manager, the latter arranged for a full loan to Sr Porsche.
The collateral? The very same 5 flats he had no money to pay for!
AAhh …. those heady days of imaginative banking … now long past … I think.
And you wondered why the 2008 Financial Crisis?
Everyone was on cahoots with everyone else …and in the end, all banks were rescued by their respective governments …… using tax-payer’s money

Meanwhile, Juan and I went to inspect the flats ourselves. Flats 1, 2, 3 & 4 were totally empty and in perfect condition. However, we found no keys for flat number 5.

"Mouse, who has the keys for flat 5?"

"Ask Billy... he has them all."

But Billy had no such keys. We would need to get a locksmith to open the flat and also to get some spare keys made.
Once bitten twice shy, right? We took Billy and the Escrituras to a locksmith where Billy instructed the man in French & I translated. Billy accompanied Juan and me to flat 5 and the locksmith opened it for us and changed the locks giving us the new keys..

When we went inside .... we were amazed!

It was fully furnished with obviously very expensive furniture, some beautiful paintings and a Roche-Bobois kitchen to die for!

"Mouse, flats 1 to 4 are in good state and dempty. We are in flat 5 but it is fully and expensively furnished."  

"I don't care about the furniture. If you like it keep it Gazoo. Just sell the bloody flats! Just make sure the viewing goes well tomorrow"

Juan and I looked at each other.

"David, do you like the furniture?"

"Juan, what's not to like? It is amazing..."

"If Mouse does not want it ...."

"Juan, Juan .... what are you thinking, man?"

"Why don't we keep it and sell it? Or even keep some pieces for ourselves?"

"But we have the viewing tomorrow midday...."

"David, I have a friend with a lorry and between him and you and I we can come in this evening and clear it out"

I could see nothing wrong with the idea.
We stacked up the furniture near the door, unhooked the paintings – that was what I really wanted -and got it ready for a quick in & out that night.  I agreed to meet Juan and his friend, but rather late in the night, 11 p.m. in fact. We did not really want to call attention to ourselves by doing a house clearance in broad daylight.
I was back there are at 11, in a black tracksuit, waiting for Juan, the lorry and driver... which, being Spain, arrived half an hour late.
With hindsight that proved to be our salvation.

As we went into the estate, we heard the sirens going. Two Guardia Civil motorcyclists and an SUV arrived, blue lights flashing, hustle and bustle .... and all going up to flat 5!

Que pasa????  (What's up?)

We walked up ... casually ... and there stood a tall English guy, his wife and three children, plus their suitcases. In Cambridge-accented, broken Spanish, he tried to explain the situation to the Guardia Civiles.

The family had just flown into Malaga Airport and driven in their Bentley to their holiday home in Marbella. They found that “someone” had broken in and had moved all the furniture to the entrance foyer, ready for it all to be stolen!
Juan and the driver slinked away quietly, but the Englishman, seeing me there, called out:

"Do you speak Spanish, please?"

"Eerr ... yes .... "

"Can you please explain to the Guardia Civil what has happened here?"
Could I indeed! ! !

We later found out that the 5th flat we were given to sell was NOT No:5 ... but No:15 ! ! !

Yes, dear reader .... there I was, dressed in my Pink Panther best (without the monogrammed glove) acting as interpreter, for the owners of the furniture we were ready to take for ourselves! I translated as blandly as I could how this family had arrived to their home only to find it ready to be ransacked by some evil house-busting thieves!

By the time I finished, Juan and the driver had done a runner.

Sensible people!

Me?

The English family was so grateful for my help in translating for them ...... .as well as in helping them put the furniture back into place, they insisted I take a tip for my troubles (actually €500) and invited me to a sumptuous dinner with them.

Lovely people actually ....  I was happy we arrived late that night .... or I'd be writing this from a jail cell!

(Part 2, the last in the "Mouse" series, will follow in a couple of days .... that is when  ... no, no ... I will tell you about the gun later ...)